


It's always been you

by TinyGuest23



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Drama, Established Relationship, F/F, Futurefic, New York, Post-High School, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24354646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyGuest23/pseuds/TinyGuest23
Summary: "the end was contained in the beginning" - or was it not?
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	It's always been you

**Author's Note:**

> The story deals with Rachel and Quinn's relationship in the future. It is faberry, but the story introduces other characters from different universes and some hardships. Hope you enjoy.

_**Feburary**_

_The end was contained in the beginning - Emily Dickson_

Rachel’s fingers comb through long brown locks as she watches her reflection in the long mirror. Her strapless, black dress fits her body perfectly and it’s not often she allows herself to feel sexy but this time, she is quite satisfied with what she encounters in front of her. Her rosy cheeks warm up when she thinks about what day it is, but it soon falters as the past weeks pass her mind.

The singer is smart enough to have noticed the subtle changes that were becoming more explicit as the days went by. She wonders if the blonde had noticed, too, but Quinn has always been talented at pretending, so Rachel can’t be all that sure.

The brunette sighs as she emerges from the bathroom and steps into the shared living room, where dim lights and a soft voice fills the air.

“Are you ready?”, Rachel asks as she comes to a stop behind the other woman, but she is certain Quinn hasn’t heard her as the blonde continues chatting away on the phone, her tone light as she chuckles at something the person on the line says to her.

It’s nothing unusual, the long conversations between the two having become a habit over the past weeks, months maybe, and they’ve only increased when Quinn has started on her thesis for her doctor degree at the beginning of the new year.

Rachel knows Quinn is a perfectionist in many ways, always looking for things to improve, wanting to present her work in the best way possible, so Rachel shouldn’t really be jealous that Quinn spends hours on the phone with Spencer Hastings talking about her progress, asking for advice and revising pages she has already written – just to be on top of her game.

Rachel understands that Quinn needs someone who knows law and the legal system by heart to help her and work her through this, and Spencer just happens to have already passed hers, so it’s no surprise that she is the one Quinn constantly seeks out for guidance.

The singer has tried her best to support Quinn in the best way and hide her jealousy behind encouraging smiles. Rachel knows Quinn loves her, has loved her since high school, but there is a part that can’t help but feel insecure when it comes to the tall brunette with spectacular chestnut brown locks and those tender brown eyes that carry a dark past.

It’s hard to not look past that. Because there are things in the lives and pasts of Quinn and Spencer that only Quinn and Spencer seem to fully understand.

Like what it’s like to grow up in a destructive family, or what it’s like to fall so deep into self-destruction that there seems no way out. She knows that there are parts of Quinn, the blonde doesn’t want Rachel to see. But Spencer knows them. Spencer understands. Because Spencer Hastings is so similar to Quinn Fabray in ways Rachel Berry will never be.

Both girls, women now, have scars, marks that are incised in marred skin and Rachel has come to realize that they’ve healed each other in ways she was never able to heal Quinn.

The brunette closes her eyes for a brief moment before she steps forward to grasp her girlfriend's attention again when she notices a pause in their conversation.

Quinn must have felt her presence, because without turning around fully she smiles at Rachel and holds up her pale hand.

  
“I am sorry, Rach, it’s about my thesis. Give me a few minutes.”, she says, her tone casual, before she smiles sweetly as her. “You look nice. Are you going somewhere?”, her eyes are light, but Rachel misses the darkness her eyes would hold that told Rachel the blonde wanted her. She misses the way Quinn couldn’t stop her eyes from roaming up and down her body. She misses the way hazel orbs used to spark.

Rachel wants to be understanding. Her girlfriend is working hard and Rachel knows it’s been stressful and exhausting, but she figures if Quinn has time laughing with Spencer on the phone for hours, she could make time for an evening with just the two of them for once.

And the fact that Quinn doesn't even know which day it is, is not helping.

“Yeah, we are having dinner with some of the cast.”, Rachel lies effortlessly before she can stop herself, because she doesn’t want Quinn to feel guilty for forgetting their reservation and because Rachel is really not in the mood to pick up another fight.

In the beginning, Rachel made sure to show Quinn exactly how neglected she felt when the woman wouldn’t even look up from her laptop. How Rachel hated that Quinn was constantly ignoring her, even if she in the same room. They fought about cancelled date nights, and missed reservations and the lack of communication, but Rachel had noticed the way it was frustrating Quinn more and more, because the blonde couldn’t see the wrong in focusing on her work. The last thing Rachel wanted was for things to fall apart again, so she stopped demanding and let it be.

It’s because of the fear of destruction, that Rachel swallows her pride once again and lies to Quinn about their dinner plans, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for Quinn to hit rock bottom again.

She gives her girlfriend a small wave, before silently leaving the apartment. A long time ago, tears would’ve filled her eyes, but Rachel has cried enough in the past weeks that she was beginning to wonder just how many tears there could be left inside her.

It’s the first time Rachel eats at a restaurant alone and the food is good, but that’s about it.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”, she mumbles as she smashes her fork into another potato.

When she comes home later that night, Quinn’s hands are still flying over the keyboard.

“How was dinner?”, she asks when Rachel slips out of her coat and boots before putting down her purse.

“It was nice.”, she spins another lie. “But I am pretty tired, so I’m heading to bed.”

“I am glad you had fun. Night, babe.”, Quinn says, but her eyes don’t leave the screen at all.

Rachel feels like it’s the beginning of the end.

* * *

**_March_ **

_And when wind and winter harden_  
_All the loveless land,_  
_It will whisper of the garden,_  
_You will understand._

_\- Oscar WIilde_

It’s been three weeks since the last time they’ve had sex and even then, it was quick and rushed, no room for exploring the other’s body or cuddling afterwards. There are small kisses in between sunrise and the ring of an alarm clock, before Quinn slips out of bed or quick pecks when Rachel comes home after one of her shows. But there is a lack of intimacy between the two that has only ever been there in the year they’ve been apart.

Rachel doesn’t want to push her, though. Not when Quinn seems healthy and stable. She doesn’t want to risk triggering Quinn now that both of them have worked extremely hard to get to this point. Demanding things from Quinn now, would mean for her to crumble, or worse, for her to relapse and all Rachel wants is to protect her, from her past, from her mind, from herself. So, if that means that Rachel can’t push and has to shy away from picking up the topic, then so be it.

It’s for the best, she tells herself as yet another day passes where the pair barely interacts.

All the pain aside, the singer still tries to make Quinn’s days as easy as possible.

She makes sure to prepare the blonde’s comfort food when she is too busy and forgets to eat and it gets Rachel a soft kiss on her hand in return whenever she hands her the bowl of chicken soup. Then, her eyes are back on the screen, or her voice goes back to talking to Spencer.

Rachel also insists on caring for her scars every day, massaging the cold cream softly into healing skin. Quinn will mumble a soft “Thank you”. Some nights, she will add an even softer “I love you”, and Rachel will think it’s her favourite part of the day. Because in these moments, she feels they are still Quinn and Rachel, and it warms her heart with hope.

Rachel also remembers Quinn to talk to Santana and her sister Frannie. She knows they worry about her from time to time. 

They always tell Rachel how glad they are that Quinn has someone like her in her life.

Rachel doesn’t need to tell Quinn to call Beth, but on days that are hard, Rachel would call Shelby and ask about her girlfriend’s daughter herself just to assure Quinn that everything’s fine and to make things a little easier for her.

In the end, Rachel still loves Quinn and she knows Quinn still loves her. Probably forever. 

It’s just the being in love part that Rachel isn’t so sure about anymore. And that’s what makes Rachel heart ache with pain.

Because it longs for so much more than what they have right now.

* * *

_**April** _

_we shall meet in the place where there is no darkness - Geroge Orwell_

It’s six weeks since Rachel has been intimate with Quinn when she sees Veronica Lodge for the first time in her life.

Rachel has heard from her co-star Kyle that there would be a new girl on stage with them to take over a role in their newest production as an understudy, but she hadn’t really given it another thought. Their lead actress had to have surgery and would miss rehearsals and shows for at least seven weeks, so the girl would help out for the time being, but Rachel hasn’t really seen her around.

Until now.

It’s the first time Rachel can feel her blood rush to her spine when looking at a woman that isn’t Quinn Fabray and the brunette singer is not sure what to make of that.

Veronica Lodge has glossy jet black hair that grace her shoulders and large captivating dark brown eyes that seem to long for all of Rachel’s secrets. She is slightly taller than her and her tanned legs seem to go on forever. She wears little make up, but her lips are painted red. She reminds Rachel of an exotic princess and the way she dresses with elegance and such equisite style, definitely adds up to that.

“Hey”, the woman greets her with excitement as she approaches Rachel and all Rachel can do is trying to not get captivated by those eyes.

“I am Veronica”, she sweetly introduces herself and she holds out her hand for Rachel to take.

The first thing Rachel notices is how her hand feels soft.

The second thing Rachel finds is that her skin is untouched, free of scars.

The next week, after one of their shwos, Kyle wants to go out for a beer to celebrate with some of the cast, and Rachel doesn’t think twice before waving Veronica over to them, offering her to join them.

The former high school outcast has always wanted to make more female friends, and it was hard, given the other female singers on her cast eyed her warily for being so passionate and determined to be the best on stage. Somehow Veronica was different.

She didn’t judge Rachel for who she wanted to be when Rachel told her about all her Broadway dreams. Neither did she roll her eyes when her over the top ambition would result in her picking on people’s flaws and their lack of taking this production as serious as she was. All she did was shrug and say: “You know she is right.”, and Rachel beamed.

And it makes Rachel happy that there is someone who can see past her self-observed persona at work. Not many people are able to draw a distinction between the diva Rachel Berry she was on stage, when singing and performing, and the Rachel Berry that had learned to be a humbler and kinder version of herself as soon as she stepped off the spotlight.

Quinn sees that difference, easily, and the blonde has supported Rachel every step on her way, not accepting anything less than Rachel fighting for her dream.

Rachel’s dads who have always believed in her, since she was a little girl.

Kurt, too, as he was kind of in the same boat as her. And so, could Jesse.

There were other people in Rachel’s life who with time have learnt to understand as well, her friends. Like Santana and Brit, Blaine, Sam and Mercedes and even Finn, who she remained friends with after their break up in high school, before coming to New York.

And now, Rachel thinks, there is someone else who can see past Rachel’s flaws and accept her for who she is on stage and maybe like her for who she is off stage, as well.

Rachel doesn’t remember the last time she has had so much fun. She loves going out with her co-stars and she laughs easily at something Marcus jokes about, taking long sips of her Cosmopolitan in front of her.

She also can’t remember the last time she felt this tipsy.

It doesn’t help that she feels Veronica eyes on her constantly and the girl has been flirting with her so openly the entire night, inviting her to a drink, and making light comments about her voice and her appearance that were relatively harmless, but that have Rachel blushing furiously. The innocent touches and her expressive eyes only make it worse.

“So, what’s your deal?”, a husky voice asks next to her and Rachel almost chokes on her drink when she turns to notice that dark eyes are starring back at her.

“What?”, she asks, too fixated on olive skin.

“Just, you know. What’s your story? Everyone that comes to New York has a story.”

And Rachel’s body loosens up when starts telling her all about her childhood and her two dads who have been so immensely supportive her whole life. She tells her about Finn and how she almost got married in High School, and Rachel laughs when she notices Veronica’s eyes widen, and then she tells her about Glee Club and their performances and all their achievements. She explains how it was kind of tradition to slushy the losers in her school and she chuckles when she says she is glad that part of her life is over. Rachel doesn’t really notice when in between stories she mentions Quinn, but Veronica picks up the name easily.

“Who is Quinn?”, she curiously asks and there is a part of Rachel who wants to lie, because it feels good to have someone being attracted to her, flirting with her. Rachel hasn’t felt this wanted by someone in a long time and it makes her giddy that a gorgeous woman like Veronica would actually show interest in her, paying attention to her. A part of Rachel wants to lie, because she is afraid Veronica will look for someone else to occupy her time with, but Rachel can’t bring herself to hide the most important thing in her life.

“She is my girlfriend.”, she explains, and there is no doubt when she says those words.

Veronica’s eyes grow slightly, but Rachel pretends not to notice.

“Girlfriend?”, the girl raises an amused eyebrow. “So, you’re dating women?”

Veronica’s voice is seducing and Rachel has to stop herself from shuddering.

“I am dating a woman, yeah. Quinn’s actually the only woman I’ve ever been with.”

Rachel nervously fiddles with the straw of her drink.

“Oh.”, Veronica nods, before smirking at Rachel again and she doesn’t really seem affected by the fact that Rachel is seeing someone.

“What’s your deal?”, Rachel asks, wanting to change the subject and to stop thinking about Quinn and the past months of their relationship. In this moment, she feels light, happy, and Rachel doesn’t want this night to end with her pouting about what’s her life become.

Rachel makes a decision. For the rest of the evening she will enjoy herself, be free. So, she smiles at Veronica and pushes Quinn and her problems to the back of her mind. For now.

When Veronica insists in taking Rachel home later in the night, wanting her to be safe, Rachel doesn't even think about it before accepting.

Both of them are beyond tipsy, laughing together along the empty streets of New York as the street lits up in warm colours, a mix of yellow and orange.

“I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.”, Rachel confesses to Veronica in all honesty as they reach her apartment door and Veronica smiles softly.

“Me too.”, Veronica agrees and before Rachel can slip into the warmth of the building, she presses her lips to a rosy cheek in an innocent kiss.

“Quinn is a very lucky girl.”, she says with a faint smile before disappearing into the night.

Rachel remains still there for a moment, not quite believing what just happened.

That night, even though her eyes remain closed, Rachel is wide awake in bed, when Quinn slips under the covers next to her, planting a soft kiss to her forehead, before turning around again to get some sleep.

Rachel’s mind, sober now, wanders to the events of the evening again.

Veronica has opened up to her and filled her in some weird stories and events from her past, and Rachel can’t help but wonder why it’s always the troubling girls that she tends to attract.

In a way, Veronica is similar to Quinn. Having grown up in a prestigious household, with too much money, but a lack of comfort. Before Veronica moved to Riverdale, she had been sort of an icy queen, she told Rachel, and Rachel had immediately thought of Quinn. Veronica has explained to Rachel some of the things she encountered in Riverdale, leaving out other events that Veronica told her she was sure happened only in her imagination. There was some weird drug called Jingle Jangle that she and her friends would take and apparently it would make them all go a little too crazy. In the end, Rachel thought it was best not to ask too many questions, giving the fact how uncomfortable Veronica seemed to talk about her weird past. So, they changed the topic quickly after that.

What they did talk about then, was Broadway and singing and Rachel was delighted to have someone share her passion with someone equally interested in all those things.

Hearing Quinn’s soft breathing patterns, Rachel opens her eyes as she stares at the ceiling.

Hours before, Rachel felt a rush of excitement in her heart and tingles in her belly that she knows should make her feel guilty. Being so close to another woman and not wanting the night to end, was a foreign feeling to her. But Rachel can’t deny that it didn’t feel good.

  
Especially now, when her own girlfriend doesn’t even find the time to talk to her anymore.

Now, back in her apartment, in the bed she shares with Quinn, Rachel still feels the tingling feeling on her cheek. It was nothing, friends kiss each other on the cheek all the time.

Her kind of friends anyway, except Santana maybe. But Rachel can’t help but feel like she has done something wrong.

When she imagines how she would feel if Spencer kissed Quinn’s cheek, her chest clenches. But it’s different, she figures, because the two of them were actually together for seven months and Rachel thinks that any physical contact between them aside from a hug - and Rachel had witnessed hugs that had lasted ridiculously long for two so-called friends – would imply something more.

Rachel shouldn’t feel guilty about liking to spend time with Veronica, but she does.

Moreover, Rachel doesn’t like the effect that Veronica seems to have on her, on her skin.

Or maybe she does, and that’s what makes it so much worse.

* * *

_**May**_

_I am out with lanterns, looking for myself - Emily Dickson_

The following weeks, Rachel catches herself smiling more often and her heart feels lighter.

Her relationship with Quinn has barely changed, but she goes out more often with her cast friends and she has managed to spend more time with Kurt.

  
She has accepted that things would be difficult until after Quinn’s thesis so she has stopped trying and started to live a little bit more for herself.

It doesn’t mean she has become selfish, still trying to make things for Quinn as comfortable as possible but as days went by it was easier for her to go through them without crying.

She doesn't get her hopes up anymore that Quinn would ask her to spend the day together, and she feels less guilty when she accepts Veronica’s offer to have dinner or drinks.

Veronica has proven to be a tremendous friend and Rachel is glad that the two of them haven’t really talked about the first night they met. All V said the next day at backstage was that she was sorry for flirting with Rachel when she knew she was in a relationship and that somehow dissolved the tension between them and they were free to be friends.

It makes Rachel feel good to have someone in her life that cares for all the things that are happening in her life and it makes her feel less lonely, too.

“You seem happy.”, states Kurt as he sits next to the singer on the couch, sipping on his coffee.

“I am”, she agrees and takes a sip of her own, mixed with soy milk, before she smiles at him.

“How are things with Blaine?”, she asks carefully, knowing him and Blaine have been having a hard time, because Blaine isn’t so sure about New York being the place he wanted to build a future in. Rachel knows Blaine wants to start a family as soon as possible, but she also knows that Kurt at the tender age of 26 is far from ready to step into that kind of commitment.

“We talk a lot, so I guess that’s good. But you know him, sometimes he is just so determined that he won’t try to understand what is it that I want. It’s frustrating”

“Oh.”

  
Somehow those words hit closer to home that they should, and Rachel thinks about her past-self and the mistakes she made in choosing herself over her loved-ones in the past.

Kurt notices.

“Rachel, I am sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You know, you’ve changed. Look at you and how far you’ve come. You are anything but selfish right now. Taking care of Quinn and being there for her constantly while she is buried in work. You are so good to her.”  
  


Rachel smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

If Rachel thought she was good at hiding things, she now realises she was not.

“It’s just been hard, you know. There is just so much distance between us, Kurt. She doesn’t talk to me anymore, and the worst thing is, I think she doesn’t even notice.”

Kurt’s smile turns into a light frown. “I am sorry. Maybe you should talk to her about that.”

Rachel shakes her head in an instant. “No. She will feel guilty and you how Quinn gets when she feels guilty about something or when she thinks she has messed up. I don’t want her to go down that path again.”

Kurt nods, but then he puts a hand over hers and his tone shifts into a more serious one.

“I know you want to protect her, Rach. And I won’t say you shouldn’t. But it takes two to maintain a healthy relationship and it isn’t fair to you if you have to hide your own feelings for her to be fine. Where is the Rachel Berry that wasn’t afraid to speak up, when something’s bothering her?”

Rachel sighed. “I can’t be that version with her, Kurt. You know that!”

“Rachel.”, Kurt tries.

“No!”, she firmly says. “You didn’t see her when she was barely bones. She fell apart and she hurt herself. She crumbled under the pressure and she almost overdosed on those pills, I – “

Rachel’s hands fly to her head, eyes shut close, while she tries to breathe.

“You didn’t see her almost dead body junior year of college, Kurt. I did.”

The small woman tries her best not to let the tears fall.

“Rachel, you have to stop blaming yourself! What happened was not your fault! It wasn’t your fault that she got into that car accident in High School and it definitely wasn’t your fault when she took those pills!”, his tone harsh as he tightens the hold on her hand.

“Maybe so.”, Rachel sighs as her shoulders fall.

“But I was the one who ended things. We broke up, because I was selfish and star-struck and accepted that role in Los Angeles and because I didn’t think our relationship would survive the changes. I did that to her. I made her pack her bags to go back to Yale where she fell apart and started to take those pills to make her stop thinking! I did!”

Hot tears are streaming down her face, but she doesn’t care. Rachel is just glad, she is having this breakdown in Kurt and Blaine’s apartment rather than a coffee shop in the city.

“Do you know what I went through when her roommate texted me that night she overdosed? Can you imagine how it felt like to think that she was dead? I don’t even remember calling Santana or her and Brit guiding me towards Brit’s car before we sped to New Haven in the middle of the night.”, she sniffles and Kurt only nods, listening as continues crying her heart out.

It’s something she has always avoided talking about, because it hurts to think about it and because it is supposed to be in the past. She had been glad then, when Kurt hadn’t asked any questions, because he knew she wasn’t comfortable sharing this with him. He understood that there were things, that Rachel had to go through alone, and he tried not to push. So, when she left out all the details when she first told him, Rachel was relieved when he didn’t press for more answers. And she was glad Kurt didn’t push it when she told him that she and Quinn were trying again. He had only been eyeing her with concern, but wanting her to be happy, so he assured her that he was glad for both of them.

“She was so pale, Kurt.”, Rachel sobs, as a hiccup escapes her trembling lips. “She was so thin, broken, empty of life when I saw her in that hospital bed. Part of it was my fault she had started that self-hate journey and all I wanted was to take away the pain. But I knew I couldn’t.”

She feels Kurt’s hand squeezing hers, prompting her to go on.

“I wanted to run and come back to New York, before she would even wake up, but Santana forced me stay, so I did. We talked about things and even though we loved each other, there was no way we were ready to pick up where our relationship had ended, less with me going to LA soon, so we decided to stay friends. And then she met Spencer.”

There is a pause, a moment of silence, and Kurt’s eyes are questioning her.

“She was good for her, you know? She understood Quinn in ways I never could, and I remember pushing Quinn in the beginning; to talk to her, to open up to her, to be her friend. I just never thought they would fall in love.”

Rachel sighs.

“They are spending so much time on the phone together these days, and she seems so happy, free, I try my best not to be jealous. I really try, but I just – “

“You know she loves you right? That her loving Spencer does not in any way mean she doesn’t think you hang the moon? She may have been in love with that girl, but we all know you’re it. Love comes in many shapes, and while I am sure Spencer was good for her then, I am certain that she was always second choice.”

Rachel’s eyes turn to Blaine, who has come into the room, interrupting her in the middle of the sentence. He slumps down next to her on the other side of the couch, linking his arm with hers and Rachel’s head comes to rest on his shoulder, her other hand still in Kurt’s tight grip.

“You know, sometimes I don’t even care anymore how shitty things are. When I am having fun with you guys, or going out with the cast.”

They nod and Rachel notices the small smiles on her faces.

“Or when I hang out with V.”, she adds a second later.

Rachel can see Kurt and Blaine silently communicating with their eyes, and even though Kurt told Rachel things were hard, she just knows they are going to make it. They have to.

“Veronica?”, Kurt asks carefully. Rachel knows her best friend has only met the girl once, so she can’t blame the suspicion in his voice.

“She is there.”, Rachel states, as if it explains everything.

“But you are not, you know, you and her are not – “, Blaine stumbles over his words and Rachel sits up straight when she realises what he’s been implying.

“No! God, no! We are friends!”, but she feels heat rushing to her head.

“I might have found her attractive the first time we had drinks. And I might have flirted back a little, but she knows I am in a relationship and we agreed on being friends. She is there, guys. She listens when I talk and she asks how I am doing. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to.” She pauses. “Someone who cares.”  
  


“Look”, it’s Kurt who speaks. “All I want is for you to be happy. So, if hanging out with that girl makes you happy, then okay. Just be careful, alright? And try not to forget you have girl at home, waiting for you, when you are out drinking with your new friend, okay?”

“Is she, though?”, Rachel quietly asks and she doesn’t think they’ve heard her.

“Is she what?”

“Waiting.”

* * *

_**June**_

_judge tenderly of me - Emily Dickson_

The first time V comes to the apartment, she picks up Rachel to see a small off-Broadway show on Friday evening.

Rachel is in the middle of finishing up her make up in the bathroom and she doesn’t here the doorbell ring.

“Rachel?”, Quinn’s voice comes from the hallway and Rachel sticks out her head to hear her better.

“Yeah?”

“Your friend’s here.”

Rachel’s blood rushes through her body and her heart begins to pace up as she thinks of Veronica and Quinn being in the same room. She knows it shouldn’t be a big deal, but something tells her it just is.

She emerges from the bathroom and steps into the living room as she sees Quinn and Veronica awkwardly looking at each other in the living room.

“Are you going out?” Quinn asks and there is something different about her tone that Rachel can’t place.

“To see a new, small show off-Broadway.”, Veronica eagerly offers before Rachel can respond.

“I told you Tuesday, remember? Asked you to come.”, Rachel adds, because she feels like she needs to make sure she isn’t hiding this from Quinn.

“Oh right.”, Quinn nods, smiling at her before her eyes drift back to Veronica, an uneasy expression on her face and Rachel enjoys the way she can see hints of jealousy in Quinn’s hazel eyes.

“You should join us.”, Veronica offers and Rachel’s body tenses slightly, but she doesn’t show.

“I am sorry, I can’t. I have to finish up this chapter today and I still have to do some research for Professor Glasgow and – “, her eyes search for Rachel’s and Rachel nods in understanding. Always understanding.

“I know. Don’t stress yourself too much and don’t forget to have some soup for dinner”, Rachel says and she smiles softly when Quinn nods.

“Come on, we should go.”, Rachel tells her friend then and wants to slip out of the apartment.

But before she can open the door of the apartment, she feels a hand close around her wrist that is pulling her back. She barely has time to comprehend what’s going when she feels Quinn’s lips moving on hers, a firm hand resting on her hip. She tries to suppress a moan when Quinn bits down on her bottom lip, parting her lips and allowing Quinn’s tongue to explore her mouth. When she feels her girlfriend’s hand on her hip slide lower and lower, she registers a faint cough. Rachel suddenly realises that they are not alone in the room and gently pushes her girlfriend away. Quinn’s eyes are burning as Rachel stares into them and Rachel gets the feeling her girlfriend put on that show to prove a point.

Rachel’s not sure if she should be turned on or angry, so she decides to say nothing. She gives Quinn a lingering kiss on her cheek, before pushing Veronica out of their apartment, following quickly behind her.

“That was some show.”, Veronica chuckles and Rachel rolls her eyes.

“Let’s just try to grab a cab.”

The show is quite impressing for what it is, but Rachel has a hard time concentrating as Veronica puts a hand on hers in the middle of the second act.

“I love those costumes!”, she gushes in excitemen. Her hand remains.

There are a million reasons why Rachel should move her hand from underneath hers, but she doesn’t. And Rachel doesn’t know what that means.

“It was pretty good, right?”, V grins as they leave the theatre and Rachel nods in excitement, forgetting about their hands and starting to talk about all the details.

It feels nice to Rachel to have someone she can share this passion with, and it makes her think of Spencer and Quinn. Maybe that’s why Quinn couldn’t let go of the brunette so easily, Rachel thinks, and she gets it in a way.

“Are you up for some drinks or do you have to go?”, V asks as they stand outside the theatre and Rachel smiles.

“Let’s get some wine!”

Their conversation is light and they share moments of silence where V stares a little too much time into Rachel’s eyes, but they laugh a lot, and it makes Rachel beam with happiness.

After two glasses of wine, Veronica insists on walking Rachel home as the bar they chose is close by.

They come to a stop outside the apartment building, and Rachel is unsure what to say. There has definitely been some light flirting and touching again, and even though it really was harmless, it doesn’t feel that way.

“I am really glad I met you.”, Rachel says, because there is not much else she allows herself to say. She means it, though. She doesn’t think she could’ve managed to not drive insane without her here.

“Me, too.”, V smiles and she reaches for her hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Rachel.”, she suddenly says, and she is more serious this time.

“What are we doing?”

Rachel’s breath stills for a moment, Veronica’s eyes boring into hers and there is a question behind those brown eyes that lingers.

“I don’t know.”, Rachel admits, looking down at their feet across each other.

The other woman sighs. “I like you, Rachel a lot. But I have to know what you expect from this.”  
  
There is a tone in her voice that sounds almost hurt, insecure and Rachel squeezes her hand.

“I like you, too, but there is Quinn, and I love her and – ”

  
She pauses.

  
“You know, when I first met you, all I could think about how you were the only woman – besides Quinn – who made my heart tingle. I’ve never actually been attracted to women until I realised I had fallen in love with Quinn. But everything changed, and it seemed to all fall apart. And then, there you were.”, Rachel admitted.

“There I was.”

“I am sorry, V. I know this isn’t fair to you.”, there is a tear that escapes Rachel’s eye and Veronica catches it.

Veronica shifts before her. “Maybe we should stop spending so much time together.”

“Is that what you want?”, Rachel can’t help but ask.

“I think it’s what we need. Rachel, you are in relationship with another woman. And I tried so hard not fall for you, knowing I can’t have you, but – “

Veronica stops and suddenly Rachel looks up to meet her eyes.

“But what?”, she feels herself asking, knowing she is entering dangerous territory.

“But I failed. I failed, Rachel. I fell for you.”

It shouldn’t surprise Rachel. All the signs were there. And she saw it coming, but she still feels something in her stomach, knowing there is a woman who likes her more than a friend.

“You are so beautiful, Rachel. How could I not?”, she lets out a soft laugh, that turns into a quiet sob.

“V.”, Rachel manages.

“I know you’re with Quinn. And I don’t want you to tell how to handle your relationship, Rachel, but I know she’s been neglecting you. I know she’s been putting her work first and that she doesn’t make time for the small things, and you still do. I guess, I just want you to be happy, and I feel so lucky to be able put that smile on your face. Rach, I love – “

Veronica stops there, both having realised what she just said.

“V.”, Rachel whispers and she doesn’t know what makes her raise her head and reach around Veronica’s neck to pull her head down, only inches separating their lips.

“We can’t.”

It’s Veronica that steps back before their mouths touch and suddenly Rachel realises what she was about to do.

“Veronica, I – “

“It’s okay!”, the taller woman tries, but Rachel doesn’t calm down.

“Oh my god.”

“Rachel!”

“Oh god!”, she repeats.

“Rachel, nothing happened!”, Veronica insists putting her hands on Rachel’s tense shoulders and the singer relaxes slightly.

“Nothing happened.”, she agrees, and then shakes her head. “But I wanted it to. I wanted it to happen.”

  
The confession lies in the air for a moment, before Rachel begins to tear up.

“But it didn’t, Rachel. So, don’t worry. We did nothing wrong. Everything will turn out fine.”

Veronica’s voice is soft and Rachel feels strong arms wrap around her to steady her shaking feet.

“Okay.”, Rachel says even though she is not sure it ever will be.

“You deserve the world, Rachel.”, Veronica whispers into her hair and she lets her go.

“Can we still be friends?”, Rachel cracks out, her voice hoarse.

“Always.”, comes the reply and then V is gone.

The next day, Rachel notices that Veronica doesn’t text her as usual and Rachel can’t help but come to the conclusion that it was in fact not okay and that the events had changed things.

  
Quinn has left her a note to tell her she would head to the gym for a few hours and Rachel appreciates the calm of the apartment.

She decides to finish the laundry and clean the kitchen, before settling on the couch with a green tea, turning on the TV, as she still had time to prepare for her show in the evening.

It’s not long until she hears keys and a door click, and Rachel turns around on the couch to see Quinn come in through the door.

“Hey.”, the blonde greets with a uncertain smile and Rachel returns it, hoping her girlfriend wouldn’t notice where her thoughts were.

Instead of going straight to the shower, like Quinn usually does, she approaches Rachel and stands in front of her, her hands cupping her face and she leans in it to give Rachel a kiss on her lips. It feels forced and it lacks the affection Quinn normally shows. She is angry, Rachel knows.

“How was the show?”, she asks as Rachel feels palms press against her cheeks.

“The show?”, Rachel squints, concentrating on the feeling on her skin.

“The show you and that friend of yours went to go see yesterday evening.” Her eyes are daring and the way she says it, Rachel notices the underlying tone immediately.

“It was good.”, Rachel says, not really wanting to talk about this.

“Who is she?”, Quinn presses and Rachel rolls her eyes, not really amused at how Quinn feels the need to use that icy tone of hers when all she did these past months was make Rachel feel like she was some used toy.

“A friend. She is replacing Emma in the play, because of her knee surgery.”

  
“What’s her name?”, Quinn demands and she steps further towards the couch.

“Veronica.”, Rachel sighs. She doesn’t want to do this. Not now.

“And she is just a friend?”, somehow Quinn knows how to push Rachel’s buttons, but Rachel won’t let Quinn lose her temper.

“Yes, Quinn. She is just a friend. Just like Spencer is your friend. Calm down.”, she explains, and she tries to cover the certain undertone that sometimes escapes her lips when she says Spencer’s name.

“Okay, then.”, the blonde says, letting go of her face and turning away from her.

Rachel sees the door to the bathroom close.

A long time ago, Rachel would’ve followed suit, but a lot has changed since then.

* * *

_**July**_

_I many times thought peace had come, when peace was far away - Emily Dickson_

Rachel has barely spoken to Veronica. They went out with some of their friends from the cast on the weekend and they still update each other over a few texts, but Rachel is smart enough to notice the changes, once again.

Quinn and her relationship hasn’t really changed though, although Rachel thinks Quinn must be relieved to see Rachel spending more time at home. So when Rachel makes dinner one night, and asks Quinn to come join her, she does and it almost feels normal again because they are laughing and Quinn’s foot is tracing along Rachel’s leg, but then Quinn’s phone rings and she apologises with a quick kiss, disappearing towards the study.

Later that night, she wakes up to hot kisses on her neck, and she knows Quinn’s been drinking because she can smell the wine on her breath. She doesn’t mind. It takes Quinn no more than a few minutes to strip out of her clothes and pull Rachel out of hers and it’s the first time they’ve been together in more than two months. But it’s not their normal routine of making love, whispering soft words to each other and taking their time to give the other exactly what they want. This feels rushed, and hectic, but it still makes Rachel blood pump through her veins and her nails dip into Quinn’s back, anchoring her to her body, as the blonde fingers slip inside her. It doesn’t take long for Rachel to go over the edge as she moans out loud. After, Quinn collapses on top of her, breathing heavily.

It’s when Rachel feels Quinn’s thumb wipe away her tears, that she realises she is crying.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

They sleep.

They don’t talk about it and Rachel doesn’t even know if Quinn remembers properly. After that night, their conversations last longer and they share more meals together, but things are still distant between them.

Veronica hasn’t really been in contact with Rachel and it only adds up to the pain Rachel feels in her chest.

But then Rachel's world fully collapses, like a house of card,

when her father calls on a Thursday afternoon when Rachel is preparing dinner.

The second she hears the words, the glass bowl she is holding drops to the floor and her phone easily follows as she slumps down to her knees.

When she hangs up, Rachel can’t breathe. Her fingers are trembling when she picks up her phone again, dialling the number she knows by heart.

She waits impatiently as it rings, once, twice, a third time. She calls again, and again, only to hear Quinn’s voice mail over and over.

Her sobs wrench through her body, and she tries to call a last time, but Quinn doesn’t pick up.

It’s then that she dials another number, and the other person picks up on the first ring.

“Rachel?”, she hears Veronica call out for her as she hears her footsteps. She is sitting on the floor and her eyes can barely see through the tears as she sees Veronica approach her.

“Oh my god! What happened?”, Veronica shrieks as she sees Rachel’s mess in front of her and Rachel’s sole answer is another sob.

She barely registers how Veronica touches her hand that is clenched in fresh blood and there are shards of glass everywhere on the kitchen floor. Rachel barely remembers the sharp object that is still inside her fist, turning her knuckles white and blood prickles through open wounds.

“Rachel.”, Veronica hums softly, her voice breaking. “Rachel let go.”, she tries and Rachel’s body is shaking in Veronica’s arm.

“Please!", she begs. "Let go. Let go!”, she cries helplessly while Rachel’s pressure only seems to increase and her breathing begins to fasten, not being able to control it.

“Baby, let go!”, Quinn’s voice suddenly booms through the room and Rachel's hand snaps open. The broken piece of glass that is now covered in a crimson red falls to the ground.

Neither of the two girls on the floor has heard the door unlock, but Rachel sees her blonde girlfriend rush towards her, kneeling in front of the small brunette and in an instant. Rachel feels delicate hands cup her tears stained cheeks.

Then, Quinn presses her forehead against hers, and she can hear Quinn's breaths evening out.

“Breathe with me, Babe.”, Quinn instructs, as Rachel is hyperventilating and Rachel listens, slowly finding rhythm with Quinn’s patterns of breathing air. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out

“Be with me, Rach.”, Quinn softly begs, her hazel eyes not leaving hers and Rachel can see them watering.

Her eyes are still on Quinn’s when she feels a cool cloth on her hand and she knows Veronica is taking care of her hand. She feels Veronica clean up her hand off the red blood and the pressure has her wincing, but Quinn’s hands are caressing both sides of her face and she is still forcing her to hold eye contact.

Her breathing slowly returns to normal and her heart finds it’s rhythm again.

“Do you have any bandages?” Rachel hears Veronica ask and Quinn is quick to respond when she instructs her where to find them in the bathroom.

“Daddy.”, Rachel manages to say, even though the words hurt and there is nothing she wants more than for the world to stop.

“What’s wrong with your dad, Rach?”, Quinn softly asks, not losing her tight grip on her.

“Heart attack.”, she gets out, before her heart picks up speed again, her breathes pitching and Quinn strengthens her hold on her.

“Baby, don’t stop breathing with me.”, Quinn pleads, drawing her closer and Rachel’s limb hand dangles between their bodies.

The second Quinn’s hand leaves her face her eyes widen, but Quinn reassures her with her eyes and it’s then that she feels Quinn take her unharmed hand to rest it on Quinn’s chest.

“Feel that?”, the blonde questions softly. “Breathe with me. Focus on my heartbeat.”

And Rachel does. She wonders how Quinn’s heart manages to pound in such synchronised patterns when the hazel eyes she is looking into betrays her calm.

Veronica comes back and when she sits next to them, Quinn breaks eye contact for the first time to look at her.

“Thank you.”, she says and her tone is soft and sincere. Rachel can see Veronica nod.

The two of them take care of Rachel’s hand and she is led to the couch where she curls up into Quinn’s side as she is sandwiched between the two women. She feels Veronica’s hand draw circles on her back and she wonders if Quinn approves but she is too focused on Quinn’s heartbeat to avoid another panic attack.

Rachel doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting there but Kurt comes in some time later and slips into the armchair.

“Hiram called me. He was worried when you hang up and didn’t call him back. He wanted to give you some time, but he couldn’t reach you after a few hours, so he asked me to check on you.”

Rachel barely nods, her head still pressed against Quinn’s front.

“What happened?”, Veronica asks and Rachel knows the question is directed more at Kurt than her.

Rachel begins to shake again. Quinn’s arms tighten around her in response.

“Leroy had a heart attack.”, Kurt says she hears Veronica grasp.

Quinn’s body remains calm around her, and Rachel can’t see her face.

It takes another few minutes for Rachel to breathe air in and out, when she sits up slowly, but her body still weightings on her girlfriend.

She looks down at her bandaged hand, but the ache she feels in her heart is stronger than the pain in her body, so she doesn’t really care.

“What happened?”, Kurt urges alarmed as he notices the red stains on her wrapped hand.

“I dropped a glass bowl when my dad called.”, Rachel explained and they leave it at that.

“I have to go to Lima.”, she then says and she can feel Quinn tense next to her.

“Of course!”, Kurt agrees and Rachel sees the way he is eyeing Quinn.

“Someone should go with you.” Kurt’s eyes dance between Veronica and Quinn before he continues. “I can go with you.”

“Kurt, I know you have an audition on Saturday. There is no way, you are going to miss it.”

Kurt wants to protest but Rachel shoots him a look that she knows will make him understand.

  
“I will go with you.”, her girlfriend speaks up and Rachel doesn’t miss the uncertainty in her voice.

“No.”, Rachel shakes her head and Quinn opens her mouth to say something but she is faster.

“Quinn, you have to be here and work on your thesis. I don’t know how long I will be in Lima for, and I am not risking your future for this.”

“Rachel, a few days won’t matter.”, her girlfriend murmurs beside her, her arms are still around her but the hold weakens.

“I told you I don’t know how long I will stay.”

“I will go with you then.”, a quiet voice says from her other side and Rachel turns to Victoria, whose eyes are pleading Rachel to let her do something, help her.

“That won’t really be necessary. I can make some arrangements and work from Lima on the thesis.”, Quinn explains and Rachel is actually surprised to hear those words.

And she wants to agree and take Quinn up on her offer, but she knows Quinn won’t have enough time to work there and she knows that Quinn will be a mess dealing with how close she would be to her parents and that would only make things worse.

“Can we talk?”, Rachel searches Quinn’s eyes and her girlfriend helps her stand up from the couch, steadying her on their way to the bedroom.

When they enter their room she makes sure Rachel sits comfortable on the bed before she gently shuts the door and sits across her.

“Quinn, you can’t leave New York.”, Rachel seriously says.

“You need me.”, Quinn cries softly.

“And you will be there. On the phone. And when I come back.”

She has to do this, or she will regret it if Quinn messes up with her work because of this.

“You don’t, do you?” It’s soft and Rachel almost misses it but it’s there. In the open.

“What?”

“You don’t need me. You haven’t in a long time.”

The words hang in the air and the moment has the potential to break them, Rachel knows.

  
“Quinn.” Rachel doesn’t know what to say.

The blonde shakes her head, fiddling with her fingers.

“I am sorry, Rachel.”, she cries.

“I am sorry for not seeing how things were changing, for not noticing. Or maybe I did notice, but I was too scared to address it, or too stressed. I don’t know. I was so buried in work that I was forgetting things, that I was zoning out people, zoning out you. And when I noticed, you were so distant but you were still smiling, and you didn’t seem to be affected by our distance, and I was so confused. God. I don’t even know when it all fell apart.”  
  


“Valentine’s Day.”, Rachel answered.

“What?”

“Valentine’s Day.”, she repeats. “I ate alone in a restaurant for the first time in my life.”

  
Realisation hits Quinn and she gasps.

“Don’t feel guilty, Quinn. You were busy. You can’t feel guilty about this. I won’t let you. Stay in New York and finish your thesis. You have a month left, finish, and we will go from there.”

“I am going with you to Lima.” It sounds like there is no room for protest in her voice, but Rachel knows Quinn is good at pretending, so she shakes her head.  
  


“You are not.”

“Rachel!”, Quinn tries and Rachel reaches forward, grabbing the fiddling hands, forcing Quinn to look at her.

“Quinn.”, she starts. “I think it’s best if you didn’t.”

There is a long pause where no one says anything, before Quinn huffs.

“I see. So, you can go with her?”

Rachel knows they have to talk about this, eventually, but there are other things she needs to take care of before that, like her father who is in a hospital in Ohio.

“It’s not about Veronica.”  
  
“But it is, isn’t it? You don’t need me. You need her.”

Quinn doesn’t give up the topic and Rachel can’t remember the last time Quinn was so determined to keep a conversation between them going.

“I would go alone, to be honest.” It’s the truth. She just needs to be there.  
  
“The hell you are!” It’s frustrating to see Quinn so upset and Rachel’s first instinct is to reach out and sooth her, but she doesn’t.

  
“That’s what Kurt would say, too. Just be an adult about it and let Veronica go with me.”, she says instead, silently pleading with her girlfriend to let it be.

  
“And she is just a friend?”

The way Quinn’s hazel eyes look at her, Rachel can’t help but want to be as honest as possible. It’s always been hard for Rachel to lie to that face when it’s not about protecting her. And she figures if she doesn’t come clean now, it will just get uglier.

“Rachel?”, Quinn prompts, waiting for some assurance.

“She is.”, Rachel agrees, but then: “But there are feelings I can’t explain.”

Rachel’s revelation hangs between them heavily and Quinn’s face crumbles before Rachel’s eyes. She wants to take the pain away, but she can’t.

“Did you kiss?” Her voice is not angry, just questioning, painful.

“No. But I wanted to for a moment.”, she admits.

“When?”

“The off-Broadway show.”

“Why?”

Rachel doesn’t really have an honest answer to that, truth be told, she doesn’t really know why. But she has to give Quinn something, so she gives her this:

“She listened, Quinn. She was just there. She cared.”

It’s true. It’s what it always has been about. Veronica was there to talk, to ask about her day, and to make her smile when their director was a bitch.

Quinn shifts slightly in her sitting positing. “I am sorry.” The apology comes quick and Rachel doesn’t know what to make of it.

She shrugs, not sure what to say. “It’s okay.”

Her mind wanders to the last few months, her heart aches. “Maybe it’s just it.”

“What?” Quinn’s eyes widen.

Rachel has thought about things, about their relationship, about Veronica and Spencer and the people they’ve become. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Maybe one chance was all they had. Maybe this time, the second time around, it was destined to fall apart.

“Do you sometimes think you met Spencer for a reason?”

Rachel has been thinking about how Spencer was the one who fixed her, fixed Quinn when Rachel couldn’t.

After their break up, Spencer was there for Quinn to lean on, to love, to make her forget about the pain Rachel had caused her. Maybe it was supposed to be that way.  
  


“What reason?” Quinn’s eyes are downcast, no longer looking at her, and Rachel knows.

“Maybe it’s what the universe was trying to tell us all along. You know, the way you and Spencer understand each other, the fact that you have similar pasts and how you both share a passion for law. Maybe that’s it.”

“If this is about Spencer – “, Quinn begins and Rachel can already see her defences going up.

“It’s not about her. Not really. It’s about us.”, she clarifies and Quinn remains silent.

“What if we were wrong?” Quinn suddenly looks up and meets Rachel’s eyes and the brunette seeks out the response the blonde she can’t give.

“Wrong about what?”

“Maybe we didn’t get it right. Maybe we never did.”, Rachel finally whispers and she knows she’s broken them both. Again. She never learns.

“You can’t possibly think that.” Quinn’s tears are openly falling and her hand reaches out to take Rachel’s but Rachel scoots away.

“We have not been talking properly in months, you haven’t bothered to come to one of my shows or to ask about my day, or my week, or anything else for that matter. You take it for granted how I do all these things for you, make you soup, do the laundry and take care of your scars. And I love doing that, because that way I know you don’t fall apart. Because it’s all I think about when I want to tell you how you’ve treated me like shit since you’ve started with your thesis! I know you are busy! I know that it’s fucking stressful! My life has always been hectic as hell! So, I would know! But treating you like air? That’s the last thing I could do, and I don’t know what to make of it, that you can. So easily.”

“Rachel – “

“No! No, Quinn! I would understand. I would understand if all you did was work on your pages and sit in front of that computer, but you talk to Spencer freaking Hastings for hours on the phone, you go still go to work, even though I told you that you can take a break, you still go to the gym and you still make time to call our friends! So, don’t you dare tell me you don’t have an hour a day to spend it with me!”, Rachel hisses, finally saying what has been bolted up inside her.

“You know?”, she bitterly adds. “The only time we’ve had sex in the last three months is when you got drunk with Spencer on the phone and basically forced yourself on me at one in the morning!”

The words are out there, before Rachel can stop herself, but she doesn’t take them back.

Quinn’s eyes fill with disbelief, her lips trembling and Rachel notices how she hides her hands inside her lap, to stop them from shaking.

She knows there is not much more to say, so Rachel gets up.

“I should pack for Lima.”

She is almost at the door, when Quinn’s calls out for her.

“There is nothing going on between me and Spencer.”

Rachel sighs. “Maybe there could be.”

She leaves the room.

When Rachel goes back to the living room, she kindly asks Kurt to go home.

“Whatever it is, I am here for you, Rach. Always.”, he vows with a warm embrace and a soft kiss to her head. She lingers for a moment in his familiar arms before thanking him and making sure to promise him to call him the second she sets foot in Lima.

“Everything okay?”, V asks as Rachel closes the front door, where Kurt has vanished.

“No.” Rachel sighs. “But I can’t think about that right now. I have to see my dad.”

“Do you still want me to go with you?”, her question is hesitant and Rachel feels bad.

“Yes. Please." It’s enough for Veronica to squeeze her hand.

Rachel packs in silence when Veronica has gone home to do the same.

Quinn is leaning back to the headboard behind their bed, unmoving, but for her eyes follow Rachel’s every move.

It’s unnerving, having Quinn’s eyes bore into her back, but she can deal with it for now.

She packs lightly, knowing she has some spare clothes in Lima and not wanting to carry a lot of stuff with her on the plane. If what she is doing can be called packing anyway. All she does, is throw random things into her suitcase with one hand, her other one still wrapped up and shooting waves of pain through her body.

“Let me help.”

Rachel shakes her head at the low voice, her back still facing the bed, not wanting to look at her.

Quinn ignores her anyway, coming to stand next to her, and picking up the clothes she has thrown in to the suitcase, folding them neatly before putting them back into it.

Quinn goes around the room as she starts to collect other things as well. A pair of ballerinas and another pair of sneakers, her favourite summer pyjamas and some of her jewellery. She leaves the room then, coming back with her make up case and her toothbrush, as well as some other items for her morning routine. 

Finally, she grabs for the old Yale sweater hidden somewhere in the closet and puts it inside, too. 

When she is ready, she closes up the suitcase and rolls it over to where Rachel stands still in front of the closet.

“Be safe.”, she mumbles and Rachel can’t meet her eyes as she grabs for her luggage.

“I love you.”, Quinn declares and before Rachel can move away, her lips press into her hair for a moment, before Quinn steps back.

Rachel doesn’t turn when she leaves the bedroom. She still needs to make it to the airport in once piece to see her dad.

It’s hard, seeing her father in the hospital bed, and she flashes back to a similar memory.

_“Hi.”, Quinn manages to get out in a rasping voice and Rachel jumps from her seat, rushing to the hospital bed to take Quinn’s hand in hers, sniffling through her tears_

_“You’re awake.” Rachel can’t believe she is lucky enough to see those hazel eyes open again._

_“You’re here.”, she counters in awe as she stares at your intertwining hands._

_“I am here.”_

_“I am sorry.”, Quinn vows._

_“Don’t leave again.”, Rachel pleads._

_"I’m not going anywhere.”_

“Dad.”, Rachel croaks out, stepping towards his stiff form and Rachel can see Leroy forcing out a smile. 

Rachel hates hospital, but she figures they can’t be that bad if the people she loves keep coming back to her.

“You scared me, dad.”

“I am sorry sweetheart, but I am okay.”, and as to prove his words he squeezes her hand in return, making sure Rachel knows.

“Are you really?”, she asks nonetheless, as her hand brushes through his hair.

“I am now.”, he assures and Rachel grins.

“Sweetheart! What happened to your hand?”

Oh shit.  
  


Being in her old room is weird, but being in her old room with Veronica is even more bizarre.

They didn’t talk much on the plane ride and the moment they got to Lima, Rachel wanted to stop at the hospital, so there wasn’t really a good time to really talk. But Veronica didn’t push and Rachel was grateful for that. She cleaned up Rachel’s bandage and wrapped her hand in a new one, before she insisted to explore Rachel’s room.

Rachel hadn’t told her dads exactly what happened to her hand, giving them only a brief version of a broken glass bowl and a clumsy Rachel, but they seemed to believe it.

“Your room is nice”, she comments as she looks around it curiously, taking everything in.

“It feels like I am entering a Rachel Berry time capsule.”

Rachel can’t help but chuckle at the statement and Veronica’s eyes lit up.

“I missed that laugh.”

The air feels lighter.

The air feels heavier when Rachel notices Quinn’s text message later before dinner, asking her if she arrived well. She almost debates not answering, but she can’t bring herself to do that to her, so she types a quick text confirming she was safe.

Dinner is nice and Rachel realises just how much she has missed her father. Her dad jokes around and it makes Rachel believe that her daddy is really doing okay in the hospital.

“Where is Quinn?”, he suddenly asks and Rachel almost drops her knife.

“She is working on her thesis, dad.”

When they arrived, Rachel had barely introduced Veronica to her father, just explaining she was a friend who wanted to be there for her because Quinn couldn’t and they had left it that, until now.

“I see.”, he pounders, before chewing on one of the mushroom patties.

“Is she okay?”, Hiram presses and Rachel knows her father is worried. Worried about Quinn, worried about Rachel worrying too much about Quinn, worrying about his husband.

“Yeah. Everything is fine.” And this time she is surprised just how real the lie sounds.

“How are you?”  
  
It’s not until they are in the dark, lying on Rachel’s childhood bed next to each other, a small distance between, that Veronica dares to form the question.

“I feel like everything is falling apart.”

It’s the truth and Rachel doesn’t even want to pretend anymore.

“Can I ask you a question?” Rachel picks up on Veronica’s nervous tone but she doesn’t say.

“Of course, V.”

“Is there a chance, for us?” Veronica turns on her side and Rachel does the same, facing her even though she can only see an outline of her.

  
“Is there any kind of chance you can picture as together? In love? Because if there is, I won’t give up, Rach. I will wait for you for however long I have to wait. But if there isn’t, you have to tell me. If there isn’t, you have to let me move on.”

For a long time, Rachel doesn’t speak but she listens to the silent whimper that’s coming from her friend’s lips. She reaches out to caress her shoulder, feeling awful for still hurting her after all these weeks.

Rachel knows what to do. She knows how to listen to her heart. Her eyes close then. Imagining what her life would be like a few years from now. And when she sees it, she is sure.

“I am sorry. It’s Quinn. It’s always been Quinn”

If Veronica is heartbroken, she doesn’t let Rachel see it.

Instead, she does her best to keep Rachel smiling and she enthusiastically engages in a conversation when they meet Finn Hudson and her girlfriend Molly over coffee. She jokes with Hiram at the dinner table and holds Rachel’s hand when she gets upset about her father’s condition and after she hugs him goodbye.

It amazes Rachel how Veronica can put aside her own feelings for Rachel to feel happy, and it makes her appreciate their friendship even more.

On the play ride, they talk about stories in high school, and first crushes. They play cards and look through gossip magazines together and Veronica lets Rachel, who has taken the middle seat, rest her head on her shoulder as they drift off to sleep. It’s simple. And it feels perfect.

When they stand in front of Rachel’s apartment complex, Rachel steps forward to wrap her arms around her waist, pressing their bodies together tightly.

“Thank you for coming with me, V.”, she murmurs into their embrace and she feels Veronica pat her back.

“I will always be there for you. No matter what.”

Rachel draws back and her expression is bright, knowing she hasn’t lost her friend.

“Give me some time, okay? To move on”, Veronica clarifies and Rachel can only nod.

“But know, that I will always be there. I am just a phone call away.”

“I am sorry I hurt you, V. It was never my intention. I love having you as my friend, and whatever it is, I am here for you, too, you know? I want you to be happy.”

Veronica’s lips curve into a smile, when Rachel gives her another quick hug, before she enters the complex.

The elevator ride takes forever, but the doors finally push open, and Rachel suddenly feels nervous as she follows the hallway back to her apartment.

She is rumbling through her purse, trying to find her keys, mumbling to herself, when suddenly the door opens in front of her.

When she looks up, she comes eye to eye to hazel.

“I heard you talking to one of your personas out there.”, Quinn attempts to joke and Rachel cracks a slim smile.

“You are home.”, Quinn states when Rachel is fully inside and has let go of her suitcase.

“I am home.”, she affirms and it’s then that Quinn’s arms reach out to her, silently asking for permission.

When Rachel steps forward, it’s all Quinn needs to close the gap and hold on tight.

“I am so sorry. I love you. I love you. You are everything to me.”, the hazel eyed woman cries into Rachel’s shoulder as her body trembles in waves and all Rachel can do is guide them to their bedroom, taking Quinn with her as she lies down on the bed, exhausted from the last few days, wanting nothing more than to rest. She keeps Quinn close.

Rachel’s eyes flutter open at the feeling of soft fingers caressing her bare skin and when she becomes aware of her surroundings Quinn’s face is inches away from hers.

“Hey.”, she greets hazily.

“Hey.”, Quinn returns and they take in the moment for a few more seconds.

“We should talk.”, Quinn decides, sitting up and Rachel follows, nodding.

“How is Leroy?” First things first.

"He is doing okay. Dad says he will be out in a few days and it was more so a scare than anything serious.”

“I am glad.”

Now that there are the more serious topics to be discussed, Rachel isn’t sure how to start.

Quinn sighs, and it seems like she can read Rachel’s mind. “How do we do this?”

“There is nothing going on between me and Veronica.”, Rachel assures, feeling that it needs to be said.

“Could there be?” Quinn’s face looks like she is holding her breath.

“No.”, with that Quinn breathes out in relief and her hand is cupping Rachel’s in a light hold.

“How is your hand?”

Looking at her wrapped hand, Rachel grimaces. “It still hurts. But it’s better now.”

“Why?”, and Rachel doesn’t need to ask what Quinn’s question is implying with the way the blonde eyes the harmed hand.

“I wanted to feel something.”, Rachel admits, feeling terribly stupid when she thinks back now.

Quinn’s fingers soothingly run over the bruises. “You’re an idiot.”

“I am.” There is no point in lying anymore.

“I spoke to Spencer.”

Rachel can’t decide if she wants to hear it.

“I talked to Spencer about some things, and before you say anything, I left out the mayor details. I just needed to talk to her because you were right when you said I was making time to call Spencer when I didn’t make time to be with you.”

  
She pleads with her eyes for Rachel to just listen, so she does.

“I know it’s been hard for you to see me still so close to my ex and I am sorry if I was being a bitch about it. Honestly, I don’t even think about it anymore, just because I don’t picture Spencer that way, not anymore. When we broke up, I was lost. And I am sorry I failed at keeping it together and took those pills. I never wanted you to feel like you were responsible for that. It was me.”

The moment Rachel parts her lips she feels Quinn’s finger press down on her mouth.

“When I woke up and saw you in the hospital, I suddenly realised what I had done and it wasn’t fair for you to stay with me just because you were afraid I would slip again, and you were going to leave for Los Angeles, so remaining your friend was the most I could let myself want. And then I met Spencer and you told me to be brave and spend more time with her, you pushed me to be her friend. I thought it was because you wanted space.”

“It was because I knew she could relate.”, the brunette mumbled.

“I know. And she could and we bonded over it and you were right. It felt different to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. I never wanted you to know all the ugly details, because in my eyes I never wanted you to see me as the broken soul I was. I know now that it was probably selfish, and I promise you Rachel, to tell you every detail you ask for.”

“Quinn, you don’t have to.”

  
“I want you to know everything.”, she insists. “I won’t apologise for being with Spencer, but I will tell you that it would have never worked out between us in the long run. You know that, Rachel. You know we were constantly fighting and going at each other’s throats because neither of us would know how to stop. You know that we were both still miserable, because we couldn’t take care of each other, less of ourselves.

You asked me if there could be something between us. And you know how I realised there couldn’t? Because I could live without her, I don’t want to, but I could. But you, Rachel, I can’t have you not in my life. I wouldn’t survive. Rachel, I can’t live without you. I could never live without you.”

“Why did you make me feel like I was a ghost?”

“I don’t know. I know it sounds cheap, but honestly, I didn’t feel like there was something wrong until that night Veronica stood in our doorway. I just felt like you were stressed out, too and I am sorry I forgot Valentines Day, but you should’ve told me! I was being so selfish, and you let me and I am sorry if I took you being there for granted. I never wanted you to feel like you didn’t matter. When Spencer and I talk about work I sometimes get carried away because there are so many ideas about my thesis and she helps me organise them. I admit that we would drift off to other topics, too, but Rachel, you have to know that big parts of those conversations are about me gushing over you and telling her how lucky I am to have you. You have to know.”

  
Quinn chuckled, but it sounded more painful than light.

"And then suddenly there was Veronica. She was gorgeous and she was asking if you were ready and I think that was the first time I didn’t realize what was going on in your life. God, the way she looked at you. I saw it in your eyes that you didn’t really want for us to meet and it made me go crazy, Rachel.”, Quinn sniffs.

“There were so many images inside my head I just had to push them out. So one night I got drunk on the phone with Spencer when I told her about this fear of losing you to some Broadway girl and I ended up so scared that I just had to have you.”, tears are glistering in her eyes, and the blonde looks ashamed. And I am so sorry I forced you to – “

“No!”, Rachel prompted, taking Quinn’s chin in her good hand to make her look at her.

"I was hurt when I said those things, but I was sober that night Quinn. I could have easily pushed you away if I didn’t want to. Please don’t apologise. I wanted to be with you. I was angry and hurt, but I needed you close. You didn’t make me do anything. It was my choice.”

As to prove a point, Rachel slowly leans in, giving Quinn time to pull away.

When she doesn’t, Rachel lightly moves her lips to Quinn’s as their tears mix and it’s equally painful and beautiful.

“Do you think we are going to be okay?”

They are both whimpering and holding onto each other in a tentative way as to not shatter what is left of their relationship.

“I want to believe that.” Rachel swears and Quinn’s eyes are shining with hope.

In the morning, Rachel wants to believe things are going to be different.

Quinn doesn’t rush out of bed to get back to work, but stays with Rachel instead for a few more moments, brushing a hand through her brown locks.

“I promise things are going to be different.” Rachel wants to believe her.

“But you have to tell me when I am acting like a bitch, Rachel.”, Quinn demands and Rachel can’t help but chuckle at her choice of words.

“Rachel, I am serious. I know I can be too focused sometimes and that I forget things when I am in too deep, so you have to remind me to stop for a second when things go out of hand. Please?”

“Quinn, I don’t want you to worry about me.”  
“It’s too late. I lost you for a time there. And there is no way in hell, I am ever coming close to that ever again.”

Rachel snuggles further into her warm arms. “You didn’t lose me.”

Quinn’s eyes are wide and the bright grin she wears on her face is enough to let Rachel know the blonde understands the heavy meaning behind those words.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

Rachel almost moans out at how Quinn’s husky tone vibrates in her ears.  
  


“Oh, I mean. If you really have to.”, she chuckles, before she feels soft lips capture hers.

A few minutes later, Quinn breaks away from the position, a guilty look on her face.

“I – “

“I know you have to start working, Quinn. It’s okay.”

For a moment, the women don’t move.

“I am scared, Rachel. Scared I will screw up again. You have to promise me not to get to that point again.”

“Quinn.”

  
“Please, Spencer vowed she would kick some sense into me if it happens and Santana swore she would kick my ass, but I need you to promise, too.”

“You told Santana to kick your ass?” Rachel is amused

“I am serious, Rachel.

  
“Okay. I promise.”

Rachel can see Quinn hesitate as she looks at her lips, so pushes forward, taking the decision away from her.

“You can tell about your show tonight, at lunch.”, Quinn offers, sliding out of bed and heading towards the door.

“At lunch.”, Rachel echoes and she can’t wait.

At lunch, Rachel notices that Quinn really tries to listen as they are eating the pasta Rachel prepared from them, but she can also see how her eyes are always drifting back towards her laptop.

“Quinn.”

“I am so sorry, Rachel. I just can’t stop thinking about that one sentence and I think there is still a typo on page 123 and I – “

Rachel’s hand on hers stops her. “Breathe.”

“I am done.”

It’s sudden and Rachel almost chokes on a piece of sweet corn. “Excuse me?”

“I won’t lose you over some stupid degree, Rachel. If my mind is too fucked up to listen to you for half an hour it’s not worth it. You are everything to me, and I won’t let this ruin our relationship. I won’t.”

Her hand is clenching onto the fork and Rachel’s fingers are trying to ease the tension away from her.

“Come here.”, Rachel directs, lacing her own fingers with hers and pulling her towards her.

Quinn stands from her seat to move around the table, coming to halt across Rachel.

The brunette tugs on the pale hand, indicating for the blonde to sit on her lap.

In a swift move, Rachel has tugged Quinn into her, just in time for her girlfriend’s sobs to fill the room.

“Rachel, I –, I can’t, I won’t.”, Quinn tries but fails miserably.

“Baby.”, Rachel says without thinking. “I got you. I got you.”

After what feels forever Quinn has calmed down and Rachel has forced her to eat half the plate of pasta. Still, Quinn refuses to get up from her position in Rachel’s arm to work.

“I don’t care about a stupid degree. All I care is you!”

  
Rachel shakes her head, pushing Quinn off her with light force.

“Well, I do care about that stupid degree, so come on.”, with that Rachel pulls on Quinn hand who reluctantly follows her to the study.

Placing another chair next to Quinn’s, Rachel motions her to sit down.

“What are we doing?”  
  
“You are going to work and I am going to be right here with you.”

With that Rachel grabs for Quinn’s IPad on the table and some headphones, before plugging them in and browsing through the TV shows on her streaming app.

She can feel Quinn’s eyes on her for a moment, and she meets her eyes, telling her everything she needs to know with just one glance. Rachel knows Quinn tries not to cry as she turns back to her computer and she lets out a low squeal as she suddenly feels Quinn’s leg tangle with hers under the table.

She hums in contentment, drawing her attention back to her own screen.

* * *

_**August**_

_If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love - George Orwell_

They have been slowly adjusting, and Rachel can’t remember when things felt so light between them.

It’s been three weeks since Rachel has come back to New York from Lima, and although there are still things that aren’t fully resolved, they are slowly getting there. Quinn has been working on her thesis non-stop, correcting and revising, getting closer to the finish line with every passing day.

The blonde has been more focused than ever, but they have managed.

In the mornings, Quinn would make sure to linger in bed next to Rachel, making time for morning kisses, followed by sweet words and asking Rachel about her show the night before.

At lunch, they would both sit across each other when eating, but Rachel would allow Quinn to set her laptop on the table to skim over her pages from time to time.

In the afternoon, Rachel would sometimes sit next to her in the study, or Rachel would snuggle into Quinn's side on her position on the couch, or Quinn would cradle Rachel’s head into her lap while Spencer would read over some of her new work from the other side of the line.

It’s not perfect, but it works.

And now they only have eight more days to go, before Quinn would finally be free.

Rachel can’t help but feel like this is the happiest she’s been in a long, long time.

Later in the day, before the show, she immediately wants to throw that idea out of the window.

Rachel feels like she is slapped in the face. "What do you mean this is your last show?”

“Emma is back.”, Veronica explains with a shrug.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

  
“I can’t imagine performing with you next to me. Or not seeing you in here every day.”, Rachel admits and she sees Veronica blush at her words.

“It’s not like you’re getting rid of me.”, she laughs.

“It’s not, right? We will still see each other, right?” Rachel is suddenly scared of an answer.

“Of course, we are, Rach! There is no scenario in which we wouldn’t stay friends. I lo – I care about you.”, Veronica covers up quickly, but Rachel has picked up on the words. 

She doesn’t comment though.

  
Instead she sweetly smiles and puts her hand on Veronica’s arm in a way to say thank you.

“Would you like to come to dinner next Sunday?”, Rachel asks. “Me and Quinn are hosting a celebration get together at the apartment for finally finishing her doctoral thesis and we would really like it you came.”

Veronica raises a perfect eyebrow. “We?”

“Quinn wants you there. She appreciates you being there for me.”, Rachel explains.

“I will be there.”

“Perfect!”, Rachel squeals, tugging the taller girl into a hug.

On Friday, Rachel nervously fiddles with the loose end of her shirt as she waits for the front door to open, pacing back and forth in the hallway.

Spencer arrived the day before to help Quinn sort out the last finishing touches, before they left in the morning to find a printing shop that would bind the whole thing.

The plan was to drive to NYU immediately afterwards to submit the thesis, before picking up Rachel to celebrate with drinks.

Quinn told Rachel she would keep her updated with messages, but then Rachel suddenly thought of something and she tells Quinn not tell her she submitted her thesis until she was back home and could tell her in person. Now, Rachel thinks the idea was stupid.

She suddenly jerks up when she hears the door unlock, and before she can say something, Quinn’s form is pressed against her, almost knocking them both over by her force.

Her girlfriend is shaking in her arms, and for a moment Rachel is alarmed that something went wrong. 

She calms down a second later, when she feels wet kisses being pressed into her neck and a hand sliding dangerously low on the back of her body.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”, Quinn chants and Rachel chuckles, tears escaping her eyes.

“I am so immensely proud of you, Dr. Quinn Fabray.”, you breathe into her ear and you feel her shudder against you.

A weight falls from Rachel’s shoulder as the words sink in.

They made it. They survived. Together. And Rachel can only hold on tight.

Drinks with Spencer are actually more fun than Rachel would’ve thought and she tries to put aside her insecurities as she gives the girl a chance.

They’ve always been quite civil to each other, but mostly for Quinn’s sake and Rachel wants this night to try and form a real bond between the two, all things aside. And really, the more she engages in a conversation with her, the more she learns she is actually a really smart girl and pretty cool to hang out with.

They gush over old black and white movies and Spencer tells her about high school and that one time she ended up in a dollhouse, and to be honest, Rachel doesn’t quite know if it’s the alcohol talking but she listens. And dry humour Spencer is almost as funny as Quinn, so it’s getting there.

Quinn must have noticed, too, because when they slid into the covers while Spencer is crashing on their couch in the living room, she softly stares at Rachel before whispering:

“I love you for trying. You were wonderful.”

“I admit, she is not that bad.”, Rachel chuckles and Quinn’s response is a sigh and a kiss on Rachel’s healing hand.

“How’s the hand?”, Quinn asks through the dark, soothing fingers drawing on marred skin.  
  


“The scars are still there, but they will fully heal with time.”

“They will fully heal with time.”, Quinn echoes.

“They will.”

  
And they seal their promise with a kiss.

Saturday Spencer decides to spend the day at the Museum of Modern Art to give them some time alone and the second Spencer is out of the door, Quinn’s body is pressed against Rachel's against the closed wooden frame.

“Quinn?”, Rachel moans, as hot kisses travel down her neck and Quinn tugs at her shirt.

“I am going to be a doctor, Rach.”, she murmurs between kisses. “I am going to be a freaking doctor, so I want my present.”

“Your present?”, Rachel chuckles, but it turns into another moan as Quinn bites down into her skin just below her collarbone.

“Yes, you.”, and with that, Quinn lifts Rachel up. Rachel’s legs lock around Quinn’s waist in an instant and the taller woman steadies the brunette weight with her hands, caressing her thighs as she leads them to her bedroom.

Inside, Quinn doesn’t waste time crashing them on their bed, before she crawls over Rachel’s body, finally freeing her of that shirt. In a hurry, Rachel reaches out again, already missing contact. Their mouth press together, and Quinn’s tongue easily slips into her mouth, tongues battling for dominance.

Quinn sits up, moving her knees over either side of Rachel’s body, so that she is straddling the brunette. The blonde softly presses her body into the one underneath, making Rachel bolt in response and pressing their bodies closer together, so there isn’t an inch on their bodies that isn’t touching.

Rachel lets out a content sigh as she starts caressing Quinn’s face, before moving her hand downwards, gently pressing her hand to Quinn’s chest, cupping her breast in her right hand.

  
  
“Rachel.”, Quinn groans, and Rachel smiles in triumph.

Quinn smirks, before lowering down again and nibbling on the hot skin on Rachel’s neck.

It’s then when Quinn’s kisses are gentler than rushed and she shifts in position, rolling them both over, so Rachel is on top of her.

“Lie on me.”, Quinn whispers and Rachel complies, stretching out her body along Quinn’s.

Rachel feels a hand brush through her hair and she wonders what has provoked such a change.

She can feel Quinn’s breath as she steadies herself on both hands to look into Quinn’s eyes.

“Are you sure?”, Quinn asks and Rachel wants to actually cry.

“I am sure.”, she promises dipping down again to swollen lips.

“I love you, Quinn.”

Rachel can feel Quinn’s heartbeat change its usual rhythm, beating wildly in her chest.

"I love you, too."

She feels a kiss being pressed to her forehead.

“I love you.”

To her eyebrow.

"I love you.”

To the shell of her ear.

“I love you.”

To her nose.

And then, finally the kiss sinks into her lips.

“I am so in love with you, Rachel Berry.”

* * *

“Someday, I want to marry you.”, Quinn confesses under the stars as their friends are inside laughing.

“Someday, I will say yes.”, Rachel promises.

Celebration dinner has been a blast, toasting to Quinn's future doctor title makes Rachel's heart swell with pride. Seeing all their friends come to together to celebrate, makes her heart fill with love.

Life was near perfect again and Rachel couldn't wait for the nows that would come along their way to forever.

Quinn hums a soft melody, her arms strong around Rachel and the brunette closes her eyes, getting lost in the warmth of their embrace and in her girlfriend’s singing voice.

“It’s you, Quinn”, Rachel whispers, “the one I imagine next to me.”

“It’s you. It’s always been you.”

* * *

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> I might write something else for this universe. Leave some words please and tell me if what you think. Thanks :)


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